Can I take one day back?
Can I have a do over?
Tears run down my cheek, salty on my lips, sickened heart…..again.
I know I am forgiven.
I know Christ died for me. He remembers my sin no more as far as the east is from the west.
Redeemed….they tell me. I am reminded of the cross. It means everything to me, but does not bring the peace I seek. I play the day again and again in my head…..what I should have done…..differently…..RUN!
God offers us a plan of escape, I would not listen. I recall the nudges. No hope…I could not move. Frozen to follow through. I must obey a husband’s wish….this time. That would be honorable….obedience…but to whom? For what?
Others in my same situation, “have done the same”, the woman on the phone assured me. I was alone and unashamed, and worse….a Christian. My hypocrisy has kept my silence all these years.
“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”
(1 Corinthians 10:13)
I chose to disobey God. I ignored the prompting of the Holy Spirit living inside me.I had no hope…I felt. I had no resources to fall back on…mistakenly believed. I take full blame.
I had all the control in my hands. I chose to not pause but do this quickly. It was just tissue….I was told. I ignored the science I learned in high school biology. “Living cells do grow into something.”
I have lived now over 23,000 days on this planet. Any other day, could be lost from my memory. Not this day, what I want removed…my sorrow and regret, will never be given. A day etched forever in my life song. More tears flow…sobbing. This is my punishment. This is my scar…hidden… for not honoring God more than man. If not for the cross, I am doomed.
Tormented, depressed and now wondering if it is time to unleash this monstrosity of a secret in my life. Should I tell my story? Could it help others? Otherwise, what is the point? I don’t want money or fame or confirmation. I don’t want anything from anyone, just to send a warning. I don’t want selfish motives. I deserve to hurt. I am outcast, oh my soul.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1)
I remind myself….keep your eyes on Jesus. Run to Him! How many times must I lay this at the cross? Once…..and for all? I know I am forgiven. Yet, some sins are greater and takes time to heal completely. I won’t be complete until I am in heaven.
If not for Bible verses I have put to my minds memory…where would I turn…for hope,
in my sometimes hopeless state….when I think of “that day”…that appointment I kept
with the devil? But I am not lost…..but FORGIVEN! I have laid this at the cross….my grief left to bare.
I know of others in the Bible who may have had “one day” they might like to forget. I think of King David in his treatment of Uriah, his affair with Bathsheba. (2 Samuel 11:5-27) I think of Peter and his denial of his friend and Lord, Jesus when he was arrested (John 18:15-27).
I think of others who have made mistakes and disobeyed God. God still loves me, I remind myself.
To live a life of regret, I know helps no one. I must move on, pull myself out of this ditch and this dark place. I can’t allow myself to be stuck in this place for too long. But the day deserves some reflection. I hope God will use it somehow for good. I pray he will help me do what is right.
God is blessing us with another grandchild. In March our twelfth grandchild will be born. If all the tests are right, we will be blessed with a little girl. She has two big brothers. My daughter’s story is so much like my own, in many ways…but for my day of deepest sorrow in my heart. She, unlike me, is against such a decision and now I can freely encourage her to do the right thing, with my story to add more weight to my words.
One phone call, one drive, one decision, and two hundred cash dollars in hand,
changed my life forever. I can never receive the things God wanted to give me, before my disobedience. He had better things in store for me, yet, God can make good from our messes. Look at what he did for King David and Peter. I can have hope of restoration. I am blessed daily, in spite of my failings and sin.
God heals our wounds, directs our paths, forgives our sins and restores the joy of our salvation. Sometimes, I look back, not with condemnation, but deepest regret and I don’t know what to do with that. I remember the cross and for this sin too…among all my others, Jesus died for me.
I am a child of a King. I am clean as white as snow. Because I believe, I am secure in his hands and will see the Father in heaven. Jesus will lead me through the pearly gates, where river flows from the throne (Revelations 22:1,2) and the first person he will have me meet may be the one I have been thinking of for the last thirty plus years.
Yet, this hope that I have, is never enough. It should be, but just as the marks in the hands and feet and at His side will always be there for Jesus throughout eternity, I will carry my empty hollow wound with me. It will never be filled, but will be a reminder that it is always best to obey our Heavenly Father and listen to Him.
I must fill my mind with Christ and sharpen my sword, the Word of God daily so I can stand against the lies of the enemy. Satan comes to kill, still and destroy every time.
“I will say to the LORD, “You are my refuge and fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” (Psalm 91:2)